Death of a Salesman

I get a huge number of sales calls every day. I am brutal on bad salespeople because I have worked very hard  to develop a good set of sales skills. No exceptions. First know your customer. Be likable and hospitable. And believe in your product because if you don’t know one else will. I have very little time for  bad sales calls and even less time for rudeness.

Sometimes the seller is meek and insecure, almost as if THEY don’t even believe in what they are selling. Often I get sales people who like to tell me they have looked over my website and Google rankings and BOY do we need help such as being listed specifically with the key word “BOUTIQUE”. That way even our name, Simple BOUTIQUES would show right up in a Google search. Unfortunately, for those types I inform them that the better sales people are actually familiar with the clientele they are selling to before they waste their time. “Next time,” I say, “try actually knowing what my business name and search engine ranking IS before you make a fool of yourself.”

Today was the sales call of all calls. It was a man on the other  end with a very heavy German accent. He told me he worked for “Veindoes” and they are seeing that my “Veindoes” is not “vohkink”. “Excuse me? WHO are you working for?” I ask.

“ VEINDOES! V.E.I.N.D.U.H.S!!! veindoesVEINDOES! (unspoken was you IDIOT!). SOFTWARE! “ he yells into the phone.

“Ooooh….WINDOWS. You work for Windows, do you?” I ask, incredulously.   “YES!” he yells.

“Okay then. And what is it you want?” I ask.

“Yah, Yur Veindoes does not vorkink and so you haff virus.”

I cannot believe this guy!, “I see. And what is it you want to do?”

“Ve vant to help you get Veindoes vorkink and get rid virus and….”

“Excuse me. You work for WINDOWS?” I ask, giving him a chance to be honest.

“YES!!!!”  (he’s yelling, screaming actually. I can hear him grinding his teeth)

“You do not work for anyone else?” I ask, (unspoken is Hmmm, don’t you work for Microsoft?).

“Yah. VEINDOES! Ve can see in your computer that you haff virus and problems. Ve vill help you .

“Oh really? You can see in my computer? So WHICH one is it?” I dare him.

Monotone: Computer. He says, like a robot.

“Which one?,” I ask.

Nothing.

“I mean if you can see into my computer surely you can tell me the name of the computer (this is now a game for me).” teehee

He screams now, SOFTVARE!!! SOFTVARE!!! Ve do not do HAHDVARE, JUST SOFTVARE!!! V.E.I.N.D.O.E.S!!!!!

I tell you what. My IT guy is not here right now and I don’t deal with any of this. Why don’t you give me your number and I will have him call you back, eh?

“Okay,” he says quietly. 877-660-8865  Eight eight six five?, I ask?

“NOOOOO! Eight eight FIVE SIX!!!,” him, screaming again.

I see. 877-660-8856?

“NO! NO!!! You must listen! SIX-OH-SIXXXXXX!!!!!!!-Eight eight SIX FIVE!!!”

Okay. Got it. (I am laughing so hard now). And what is your name?

Monotone, quiet: Mike. 

“And where are you working from….(teehee)…….. Mike?”

Monotone: “Texas,” again with the robot talk.

I about fell off my chair.

Texas? TEXAS?!!! I ask laughing? Because I know Texans and they would put up with his screaming for about two seconds. Hahahahaha!!! Now I don’t even care that he hears me laughing.

Here’s the thing “Mike” from “Texas” German men do not get to yell at people and demand they do what they say anymore. Not since the holocaust. Click.

OMG. That was one for the books.